A Survivor's Ramblings: Tired But Can't Give Up

December 14, 2021

Dear friends, 

I hope you are all well in every aspect. I know it's been years since the last time I posted here. I thought I would never be able to post here again as I've been experiencing "writer's block" as what others call it and couldn't express my thoughts thoroughly. Is it because writing for earning has exhausted the heck out of me and made my creative side empty? I don't know. All I can understand is just like before I still have many thoughts swirling in my mind, things that I am dreaming to write about, emotions that I want to express - and one of those is my life to you.

In the beginning of this blog, I expressed wanting to put into writing what I experienced and maybe I will be able to help one or two survivors like me in living life. Nowadays, I'm already more than 30 years old, life has never been busier than ever. Whenever I want to speak everything in my mind, I found myself not being able to express it. And what I just do is after work, to just read and then sleep. It's a repetitive process and sometimes I found myself even too tired to do household chores. Though, I am living alone there are still many responsibilities at my hand. My siblings depend on me, my only family. I couldn't even tell anyone that I am getting tired, that I need help, someone to push me up, to help me continue and not to point an accusing finger but an understanding heart.

It's been years and I'm tired to act strong, to be strong but I can't give up. I can't tell specifically how do I feel now. Only that, life is so busy, my past self needs healing, my present self is having a hard time being busy and wanting to help my past self and at the same time wanting to prepare for the future of my siblings, the only family I have.

Others would say that it is because of my pent up emotions inside, probably they are right. I know I should not give up. I keep on clinging to the only hope I have. Though I know I am lacking, I am trying to take courage and pray. I can only pray and hope He will send someone or will do something to help me. I am not worthy to be helped because I have many lapses nowadays, my mind is in jumbled, it feels like I am caught in a limbo. The storm is just behind my mind and it feels like it's rearing its head, waiting to lash out and cause big devastating destruction to me. But I can't give up, I shouldn't give up. 

I hope God is not yet tired of me because He is the only strength I have.

Hoping for better days,

Lady Eliza Kim