A Survivor's Ramblings: Tired But Can't Give Up

December 14, 2021

Dear friends, 

I hope you are all well in every aspect. I know it's been years since the last time I posted here. I thought I would never be able to post here again as I've been experiencing "writer's block" as what others call it and couldn't express my thoughts thoroughly. Is it because writing for earning has exhausted the heck out of me and made my creative side empty? I don't know. All I can understand is just like before I still have many thoughts swirling in my mind, things that I am dreaming to write about, emotions that I want to express - and one of those is my life to you.

In the beginning of this blog, I expressed wanting to put into writing what I experienced and maybe I will be able to help one or two survivors like me in living life. Nowadays, I'm already more than 30 years old, life has never been busier than ever. Whenever I want to speak everything in my mind, I found myself not being able to express it. And what I just do is after work, to just read and then sleep. It's a repetitive process and sometimes I found myself even too tired to do household chores. Though, I am living alone there are still many responsibilities at my hand. My siblings depend on me, my only family. I couldn't even tell anyone that I am getting tired, that I need help, someone to push me up, to help me continue and not to point an accusing finger but an understanding heart.

It's been years and I'm tired to act strong, to be strong but I can't give up. I can't tell specifically how do I feel now. Only that, life is so busy, my past self needs healing, my present self is having a hard time being busy and wanting to help my past self and at the same time wanting to prepare for the future of my siblings, the only family I have.

Others would say that it is because of my pent up emotions inside, probably they are right. I know I should not give up. I keep on clinging to the only hope I have. Though I know I am lacking, I am trying to take courage and pray. I can only pray and hope He will send someone or will do something to help me. I am not worthy to be helped because I have many lapses nowadays, my mind is in jumbled, it feels like I am caught in a limbo. The storm is just behind my mind and it feels like it's rearing its head, waiting to lash out and cause big devastating destruction to me. But I can't give up, I shouldn't give up. 

I hope God is not yet tired of me because He is the only strength I have.

Hoping for better days,

Lady Eliza Kim

INC, The Group Behind the Monster

August 29,2015
2:30AM

Dear everyone,

It's been a while since my last post. I am sorry for being too busy with everything. I supposed being the bread winner and parent/sister in one is no big joke. I have three jobs at a time and have many responsibilities at home and in the group I belong with.

I decided to make a short post regarding the "monster" that destroyed me. Actually, I have been trying all these years to erase all the bitter memories brought by him. I do not want to remember any single information about him. But the truth is all the memories, all the things about him are kept inside my mind, ready to destroy me anytime. But I refused to be put down. I have survived more than two decades; I am a survivor.

At this point in time my focus of my posting tonight is not about my diary, but I want you to somehow know a little bit of that person. I believe on what I always hear from older people that a man's character is measured  through his background - his childhood history, his peers, his environment, the way he is bring up and such.

In this case, I believe that behind the monster that devoured my childhood is a group that destroys many people since time immemorial, (This thing is based on the facts written in SCRA, cases files in different courts, news and personal encounters by my friends and former colleagues.), it  had something to do why he became a beast despite not having a difficult childhood. I met his mother a few times and even his siblings, they were good people. I still wonder up to this moment why such good people like them have had relatives like him. A few years past after the abuse, I realized a big factor why he was turned into an evil man: the group he belonged with.

During the time that he was still with us, he was still mom's lover, he always would bring me to his work since it's already vacation. I was always with him everywhere he went, wherever his boss asked him to go. It was like I was his chaperon or young assistant and he was the driver. (Of course, I hope you have read it between the lines. Yes, since I was always with him even at work - there were instances that many abuses happened even while he was on the job.)

One time, his boss and family asked him to drive them at a nearby church in Quezon City to practice their belief. I stayed in the car because I was too shy to be with the boss' family. (Anyway, I already attended the gathering then.) The monster also stayed in the car. I was curious that time because ever since he started living with mom, I never saw him celebrated any religious traditions (we were Catholics back then) nor saw him entering a church locale. Though I  was scared to ask him, I still did. I could remember clearly our conversation,

- "Bakit hindi ka po nagsisimba? Bakit hindi ka po pumasok ng simbahan? (Why are you not attending church services? Why didn't you enter the church?)

- "Iglesia ni Cristo ako." (I am an Iglesia ni Cristo member.)

*For your information Iglesia ni Cristo is a group that started here in the Philippines. Their belief is Christ is merely a man and Manalo, their leader, is an angel.*

So, that was the answer to my lingering question. I just nodded after our little talk. I do not want to remember what happened next. Yes, something evil had happened.

Years after that short conversation, I have met friends and colleagues who were victimized, abused by INC members also, particularly those who were higher ranking officials. There was also a time when I heard over the radio that they had sent a pack of NBI agents with high-powered guns in a compound in Pampanga for just a simple case of libel. (Not mentioning still the records in Supreme Court, filed cases in different places, unreported bad acts, and the recent - the controversy between Manalo family and Council with Eduardo and Babyln.)

It was then I realized and had came to a conclusion - that there are members (not all) honed by this group did not become good citizens. I am a living witness to that. That monster, my mom's lover, is one of them.

I am a victim of someone who believes that they are the only ones who will be saved, outside their church they will all go to hell.  That monster believed he will not be condemned, he was not afraid to do evil. Like his ministers and leaders' belief, he believed they will be saved for as long as he stayed in their group and be loyal or should I say fanatic to it. How pitiful.

Why am I bringing this up now?

The current scandal revolving around INC now is no longer new. Like I said a while back, there are many issues and bad records about them. The reason why they have bad members is because of their leadership, of their doctrines. The question is, is their claim true that they are the only ones who will be saved? They are even using the Bible but what is this they're doing is it Biblical? So many evidences, so many confessions from the victims. These things are being revealed one by one and cannot be covered anymore. So miserable.

To my fellowmen, do not be victimized. Do not let your families and children be victims also. Let us all be wise.

REMEMBER: Do not enter a group that will make you a monster afterwards.

Until my next post, my next entry to my diary.

God bless the Philippines and the whole world.

Sincerely,
Eliza